my diary of truth

hello diary,

we arrived to Mbata today. It would be terrrible if someone discovers that im writting in a diary since it would seem like a sing of weekness , but this 2is like the only way i can really express myself. Sometimes i feel like i should express myself to my wives like Ekwefi for example ive gained alot of clossure and trust with her lately but at the same time i feel like this is what a real man should do. Ive killed another young boy but this time it wasn’t my fault i was banished from my clan and was punished to come to my motherland for 7 years. why does this have to happen to me? i have always been a respected men. but i guess that my pain from the past follows me, maybe im supposed to be a faliure just like my father. When we arrived here we were recived by my uncle my mother’s brother Uchendo. He didn’t even ask why i was here im guessing he already knew that i was in trouble and i had come to my motherland to pay for what i had done. Ugh i feel so embarrased! like the men that defeated Amalinze the cat and had won other titles and was feared and respected by alot of pople in his village had now to go back to his motherland…..ahhh this is hard to accept but then i remember that i have to reconize my mistakes and maybe ill learn something from them.I just want to make my kids happy i want then to have someone to look up to. Today Uchendo made me think andrealize that im not such a smart man as i used to think i was. He asked me different questions that i didnt know the answer to, but his kids did know the answer to. They made feel embarrased and kind as if i was stupid.Then i stared thinking about how i had messed up my life. When i decided to beat up one of my wives and disrespect the week of peace also when i killed ikemefuna. He was like my son .he called me father how could i have done this to him , when i was banished from my clan i never though this would happen to me. Im dissapointed at myself right now . If i could go back in time and change some stuff i would change everithing i did. ill tell you how my life is going later on at this moment i have to go back to my real life.

dear diary,

well oh my god guess what happened today. Remember my old friend Obierika .Well today he came to visit me i felt so special since i though he had fotgoten about me. Ah i felt like i could actually talk to someone exept of you. Ahh man im so happpy my wives and children were really happy to. I introduced him to Unchendo. since he had become a big part of my life.He was like my dad. i feel like i’ve learned alot since ive been here like i feel like i’ve grown as a person. Im so glad the only thing i can think about at this moment is Oberika comming to visit me. It was funny how Uchendu was so open with Oberika .tehy were talking about how he know his dad. and that he pretty much knew everyone in the village and he also knew everyone around the clan. he was telling us how back the evryone would get along with everybody and knew everybody in other clans. But now these days people didnt even know people in ther motherlands. this made think about how i should be more close to my relatives ……relatives from my mother land. I imagine if i had had the chance to be in touch with my uncle uchendo problably i would of had a better idea of what a father is. man i regret i think ima encorage my kids to visit their mother land …..likeif there ever comes to a point in which i cant be there for them ……………at least they have any of their uncles to be there for them . im so glad i get to have my uncle by my side. today Obirika also told me about how albinos took over a clan and killed all of their people im really worried that this may happen to us to. but hopely it doesn’t. i think that right now i should worry about myself instead of others.Uchendo is a great uncle im kinda glad that i got banished of my clan because if i woulnt of of gotten banished i woulnt of been here. and i wo1ulnt of met my unccle and i woulnt of learned so much. im thinking about teaching my kids about evrything my uncle tough me .im so glad i came here. So when i go back to my clan in 5 years im goin to use everything i learne here. Ima start telling people about meeting other people from other clans. although im acared that this may seeem as a weekness sign mostly woman like. i dont really know what i shouyld do im pretty confused at the momment . i need 2to start thinking about my pressent instead of my future.

hello diary,

Im really sorry i haven’t wrote to you like for the past two years ive been really busy trying to get back into my normal life . I also can’t rellly be wriiting to you that often since i dnt want no one findinsg out that i have a diary im scared that they might think ids a sign of weekness. Well today i don’t really have such good news, um well Obierika came i was surprised since i didn’t think he was gana come back again. He told me that missionaries had gone to Umofia , they built a church there and that they had won a handful of converts. He also told me that they were sending evangelists to tows and villages . These white men belived in one god and taht they were making the people believe that they shouldn’t believe in the spirits they believed in . That these were fake gods. When they said this it got to me, how can some random man just come and try to switch all of our belifs it pisses me off i could feel the my blood burning through my boody i try to control it but ahhhh its hard. I tried asking one question to the white man ..my question was “you told us with your own mouth that there was only one god.Now you talk about his son.He must have a wife, then” i argued with him about this for a while but he just ignored me and walked away. After this some people from the clan though this men were mad and stared laughtin and just walked away ignoring everything these men were saying.Some people actually tough about it but then realized that they couln’t do this to their gods, They couln’t just forget about there all gods and adore this new one. Although one person did seem really in trested my son Nwoye. He was facinated about this whone new god thing. At the begginig i though he was just intrested because it was something ne, something he hasd never seen before i never though he was going to be facinated by it. The main reason why Obierika came was not just to tell me that these missionaries had arrived to Umofia but to tell me that one of the missionaries was Nwoye and he was worried since Nwoye had told him i wasn’t his father anymore this hurt me when i heard it but i dind’t show my emmotion. I just ignored iqt i guess he figured out i didn’t wanna talk to him about this subject anymore. Most likely he heard the story from my wife Nwoyes mother. well ill write to you some other day maybe im in the mood and ill telll you what happened with Nwoye. I have to get back to reality now….bye….

hello diary,

Ok so today im more relaxed and im not as angry as i was when i wrote to you for the last time. Ok so the reson why Obierika came to see me was because some missionaries had gone to Umofia and he was really surprised that my son Nwoye was one of them. yeah when he came i didn’t really feel like talking to him since i didn’t want to take my anger on him. Well since that time when the white man had came here to Mbata and stalked to our people trying to convince them to believe in their god, i realizesd that Nwoye was kind of intrested but i didn’t really pay much attention to that, well it comes up to be that he was greatly amuzed by it! …..he was just hidding it from all of us he didn’t want any of us to find out how he really felt about this new religion. Later on these man decided to ask for a place in the clan in which they could build up their church. People talked about it in the clan at last we dcided to give to them the Evil forest. That way we could see how much their goud would really help them. It was evn funny to think that they could actually survive there….hahahaha silly efulefus thinking they could beat our spirit gods. Well Nwoye had been actin strange since the white man had came and talked to us about their god, he had stared to ask us questions about them it still dind’t evn cross my mond thinking he would actually belive in what these mad man had said. One day while i was in my hut my cousin Amikwu came rushing to my house and told me that he had seen my son Nwoye among the christians i felt the blood burning through my body i was so mad but i sat and i held it in. I heard the woman murmuring but i said nothing, later Nwoye got home and as soon as i saw him i grabbed him by his neck i wanned to hear the word come out of his mouth but he said nothing! ahh i gave him 2 or 3 blows my uncle Uchendo demanded me to stop hurting Nwoye. He left the house and some people said they saw him going to the church so im guessing he became one of them . i felt so embarrased i wondered if Nwoye was my son . He was supposed to be a strong man and have titles be respected by his clan i also remembered that he can be getting this from my father i tried to take that memory opf my mind but up to this day i can’t i just have to pretend everything is ok when it really is not ………i have to go bye……..

hello diary,

Well i haven’t heard anything from Nwoye since that last time Obierika came to visit me to tell that Nwoye was with the missionaries. Well alot of people have stared to believe in this new reliegion its like this ne little town it has women, man , and children. The twins we trow to the evil forest they save them and raise them , everybody is pretty surprised that these people are still alive , ima tell you soemthing that i haven’t told no one, sometimes i have wondered if our spirits do actually exist and if they do why are they letting these random man jsut come and ruin our clans like this? i try to keep this thoughs of my mind since i don;t want to start beliving im becomingone of them, one of the white man,ahhh well sinnce these people wre gettingout of control we decided to outlawed them we are not allowing them in the markets were also noty letting them get any water , they had sent their woman to pick up watter and other stuff but we had sent them back empty handed. i have so manny questions running through my mind….CHI wats wrong with me everything seems to be going bad lately and seriously i don’t know what to do im like really confused at this point.I was supposed to be a great man and win alot of title how come this is not happening huh? huh? i need answers but no one can actually give them to me, the only consolance i find when i think about his is that there can always be something worse. bUt then i think what can be worser?? killing a kid who called you father , then being banished from your clan and now some random people come get stuff into your sons head and that’s it he leaves and goes with them……..ahhhh life is so unfair at times but theres nothing you can really do about it just suck it up and keep going with life as much as it bothers you…….oh my god im so glad i have you who ever though that on a piec of paper you could like let everything out and just forge about everything else and just focus on me and that’s it.I wish i could share this whith the whole word sometimes i feel like just screeming it out loud just so that everyone can hear me and maybe juat maybe someone can help me evn if its just a little….ahh i don’t know i have so much stuff on my head…. im going to sleep maybe that way i can forget a little bet about it………..good night……..

hello diary

This was my last harvest i had finally done my seven years of exile oh my god!! they were so long i was prosperous here in my motherland but i know i would of had better luck if i was in my fatherland back in Umofioa im so glad these seve years are almost over but its still seems like an ethernity like evryday it goes by it seems like forever….i guesss im really exited sine im going back to my fatherland….well jsut in gratitude to thank my uncle Uchendo for helping me so much during these hard times i decided to make a huge fest …i was really extrict while the preparations were going i wanted this celebreton to be perfect i wanned my uncle and my cousins to see how muchi appreciate them. I really don’t know what i would of done if they hadn’t been there for me im super thank ful.when i got here seven years ago i didn’t know alot of things i know right now. and most of those things i learned from my uncle Uchendu ……man i wished he had been my dad maybe that way i would of been a better man and i wouln’t of been such a bad father to my children i probably would’t even have been banished from the clan..I also asked obierika if he could build me two huts so when i come back i ahve a place to stay although i have to built my own Obi because i think thats something a man has to build by his own well i don’t know how whats wrong with me im just really confused at this moment …….ahh so manny things are going through my mind right now memories in general…. i have something elsed that is running through my mind Uchendo told me that he was worried about our generation ……why would he say that.??…ahh now im really curious the only thing that comes to my mind would be that he is worried about the white men taking over us…if they already took some of our kids just by telling them a few words …what garantes us that there not just going to come later on and take over complete villages and class…..ahh i dont want to think about that just thinking about it gets me furious ……but those are just crazy ideas of me…….but then again they can happen ahhh i feel worried unsafe like if that really did happen would we be able to do domething about it?? would i be able to do something about it??….i wish i could like look into the future and see whats going to happen but i guess thats something that only time can tell…..well see what happens….i have to go now bye……

hey diary,

well hopely you are doing good……im doing ok i guess…well my seven years of exile have passed .. it was finally time to go back to my fatherland back to Umofia ..i was really scared on my way here though because i had heard that alot of things had changed since the white man had arrived to Umofia….ahhh man…the chusrch these white man built here had grown and there was more and more people joining…i had lost all my power i had gained before i had gone in exile…..i was thinking of ways i could go back to being the man i was then i though about my two beautiful daughters Ezinma and her half sister Obiageli they had grown into two beautiful daughters when we were in Mbata Ezinma was called Crystal of beauty, she was one of the prettiest girls in the clan… she had been asked for marriage by many man in the clan but se had rejected them all i guess she had understood what i told her once “there are many good and prosperous people here, but i shall be happy if you marry in Umoufia when we return home” i told her to explain to her younger sister Obiageli because i knew she wouln’t understand me, ahh and then i keep wishing Ezinma was a boy . Like i know im supposed to love all my children wait ! wat im i saying Nwoye is not my kid any more? i wish she had been Nwoye ……Nwoye is just an embarrasment to me! >=( …but any who, well i came back to Umoufia thinking everybody was going to be happy to see me.. i bet they didn’t even realize…man i didn;t really think these seven years of exile wre going to affect me this much…….only if i could go back in time , well there is this man his name is Mr.Brown hes one of them he built something called a school and he wants us to send our children there so that they could learn… he said something about that if our children don’t have education other people from different places can come and just take over our clan ..but wait isn’t that what there doing??…..these white man just came into our clan and took over ..ahh im soo upset with my people i can’t believe there beliveing in this new religion and forgetting about their old one…i don’t know what i should so i think there is really something i could do i mean mostly all of my people is in this white man’s side and theres nothing we can really do about it as much as we want to believe it….=(

hello diary,

Ugh……ok so you know how i have to put up with that white man “know it all” Mr.Brown???, well another white man came his name is Reverend James….and hes annoying …hes worst than Mr.Brown ….like this one wants to follow all the rules of his new religion, Mr.Brown is not like reverend James the only thing Mr. Brown cares about is to have a bunch of people in his religion, and reverend James actually cares that the people are truthful and faithful to this new faith..so he has replaced him ..ahh ok well now i feel bad since i feel like sometimes i think about their religion?? oh my god! im i becoming weak?!?!? im i becoming one of them?!?!?!?!?!?! >:0……well i don’t know what im going to do but i have to do something in order to forget about this thoughts ….well there is this man named Enoch, well guess what this mad man did?? as the Christians were passing by the egwudgwu’s this crazy man jumped on the spirit and he took his mask of ….this had never happened before the whole clan was lost in confusion.. a night the mother of the spirits was crying for her killed son….later on all the spirits gathered even spirits from other clans came to see this… no body knew what there plan was going to be since they have never experienced something like this ……well thast day ll the spirits walked to the white man’s church the white man had never been afraid but that day i had a strange feeling they were , that though was destroyed when i saw reverend James come out and face the leader of all the egwudgwu’s Ajiofiabe told them that they wanted to destroy the church in order to cleanse their village of Enoch’s horrible sin. well i had a learned a little of their language since they had arrived but i never told anyone i understood when the reverend told his interpreter to tell the spirits to go away it seemed as if the interpreter was afraid so he just said it in a nicer way … the spirits didn’t really care what they said and they burned the church down, i felt happy inside when this happened i felt that i wasn’t the only one who was actually fighting for his clan and not giving up on it like the others. well i really don’t know if these white man are going to stay like this or actually do something back. well see what happens. bye.

hello diary =(

ok so you wont believe what happened !!remember how i told you about how the white man were not going to stay just like that without doing anything about us burning their church, well they called for a meeting to the leaders of Umoufia , i was one of them. I told the other man who came with me to go prepared so to take their machetes we didn’t take any guns i really did not think they were necessary we arrived there and they were treating us pretty good so we put our machetes awaysince they wanted to us as “friends” and out of no were 12 missionaries came out of no were and handcuffed us, we were so confused this happened so fast . they locked us up and kept us there they told us that in order to release us oh my god i cant believe we actually believed in them i was really mad at myself ,we should of killed them in the 1st place instead of talking to them , they did not give us food or nothing to drink they didn’t even let us go pee. we whispered about how we should of killed them then they came and gave each one of us a few blows on our head and our back.. ahh i was so mad only if i could of defended myself i would of killed all of them, but i held it in i knew if i said something it was going to be worse i just held all my anger ..ohh mii god i dont know how i did that it was like the 1st time in my life i held my anger and didn’t let it out….. i was thinking about Enzinma i was wondering if she was thinking about me…….i had a feeling she was i knew my daughter alot…. i missed her and her mother Ekwefi more than what i missed my other wives and kids but again i ignored the though i didn’t want to seem as if i was week and i just focused on holding my anger in and not take it out in someone… for the 1st time i though about my actions and the consequences before i did something that i could regret later on..after that nobody said anything we just looked at each other once in a while and looked away right away we were all kind of scared we just did not want to face it , good thing i brought you with me so i could keep track of whats happening which right now i really don’t know whats going to happen but ill let you know wish me luck i don’t know if ill make it out alive….bye

hello diary,

well the people from Umoufia payed the 200 cowries and we were set free as we were walking home we didn’t even say a word to each other as i got home Enzinma had a meel cooked and ready for me i wasn’t really hungry i just ate it to pleasure her. In the night my back hurted alot .=( …i hear the criers voice wondering around the village there was going to be a meeting relating to what had happened earlier at the next day.. i was planning to attend at the next day i went Obierika’s compound and left with him, Egonwanne i kwew that he was going to go to this ceremony and he was going to act like a cowardlike alwaysd i was ready to do something in case he tried to convince the people in the clan and in case the people from the clan decided to follow him i promised myself i was going to take revenge, well at the end the messangers from the whitre man came and told us that we needed to stop this ceremony i reconized one of them and i took out my machete and sliced him up, i just walked away i heard people talking about it but i just ignore d it and walked away like nothing ..ahh im so confused ive though about killing myself but im not sure yet if i should do it or not i really dont know im really confused at the moment i haven’t told no one though not even Obierika ah man this is so hard i know a man its not supposed to kill himself because its against our beliefs but i  really don’t know what i should do anymore……i have no one to talk to right now i could be surrounded by a bunch of people and still feel so loony. Ok i though about this and i picked my decision already im going to hang myself, i want to thank you diary you were the only way i could really express myself and let my feeling s out there, i realized you should express your self how ever you feel and not hide your feelings because the most you hold it in the most it hurts…oh ma this is so hard but ive made my decision and now there is backing down just have to hold it and keep going. It was nice letting my feelings out with you. I guess i finally i learned who i truly im , not the strong Okonkwo but the real one the one thst has feelings i guess i finally accepted myself…………………………….bye…………………………………

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3 Comments Add your own

  • 1. chelyokonkwo&hellip  | 

    Ooooh I like its red Karen or should i say Okonkwo lol your page looks awesome girl. -isabel-

  • 2. yesica1&hellip  | 

    Good remember to check your spelling.

  • 3. nessie15&hellip  | 

    omg i love how u put the happy faces i think mines look too plain check it out and comment plez…i like wat u write in yours =]]

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